


Cancel All of My Plans

by That_stupid_girl



Category: Captain Marvel (2019)
Genre: Carol Danvers has a lot of guilt she's not addressing, F/F, they define the relationship i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-02 11:22:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19197751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/That_stupid_girl/pseuds/That_stupid_girl
Summary: "Throughout her last few months in space, Carol’s memories have continued to return, and Maria makes up most of her happy ones. That’s fairly expected, and so is Carol’s revelation that comes just minutes after leaving Earth.Fact: Carol Danvers was, is, and will continue to be irrevocably in love with Maria Rambeau."orThe one where Carol flies back to Louisiana after helping Talos & Co. find a home to see if she still holds the same place in Maria's life.





	Cancel All of My Plans

**Author's Note:**

> y'all this is really dumb and much worse at the end than the beginning, but i got tired and gave up. 
> 
> title from "plans" by maude latour. give it a listen if you like good music.
> 
> enjoy this rushed pile of sap!

Fact: Carol Danvers has only ever wanted to do the right thing.

 

It’s why she joined the Air Force, it’s (mostly) why she was so willing to test planes for Project P.E.G.A.S.U.S., it’s why she was so eager to fight for the Kree, it’s why she helped Talos and the Skrulls find a home, and it’s why she flies straight back to Louisiana when she succeeds.

Okay, it’s a lot of why she flies back to Louisiana, but maybe not the whole reason. Throughout her last few months in space, Carol’s memories have continued to return, and Maria makes up most of her happy ones. That’s fairly expected, and so is Carol’s revelation that comes just minutes after leaving Earth.

 

Fact: Carol Danvers was, is, and will continue to be irrevocably in love with Maria Rambeau.

 

The thing is, Carol would have figured this out even without the rest of her memories. Back in Louisiana, in the space-plane, before all of her memories came back, Carol would find herself looking at Maria and thinking herself the luckiest woman in the fucking universe, and she wouldn’t know why. Her memories show her the answer, but what’s more confusing is this: her memories claim that Maria has loved her back.

So, yes, Carol flies back to Earth because she thinks it’s the right thing to do, because she thinks she owes Maria at least a proper conversation, because she thinks she owes Monica something more than a flashy farewell, but she also flies back to Earth because she’s not sure she can stay away.

(There’s one memory, in particular, that seems to play on a loop in Carol’s head. It’s warm outside, probably late April or May a few years before Carol ~~died~~ betrayed humanity. Carol’s wearing some Guns N’ Roses muscle tee with dark jeans and Maria’s in a dark top and her silver hoops that make Carol smile, every time, for a reason she can’t explain.

They’re screaming along to a Lita Ford song and she can’t take her eyes off Maria. It’s the same as usual, really: Carol’s had one too many drinks but not enough to regret, men spend the entire evening alternating between insults and flirtation, and she almost punches someone out.

It’s the same as usual until Maria, still laughing, pulls her into the bathroom, complaining about too much water and beer, and Carol falls against her while Maria tries to maneuver the small space to dry her hands. They’ve been this close before. They’ve been this close in this bathroom before, but something’s different. Maybe Carol’s more drunk than she thought, maybe Maria looks especially beautiful, or maybe Carol’s just gotten tired of fucking around.

Whatever the reason, Carol leans in. She can feel Maria breathing, fluttery and nervous.

“Where’s your head at?” Maria whispers, too breathless to play off as coy.

Carol kisses her, then. She closes the distance between them a little too quickly, almost knocking their chins together. Her hands come up to cup Maria’s face without her noticing them moving, and she feels Maria twist a fistfull of her shirt at her waist.

Carol’s the one to pull away. Despite her ultraviolet heartbeat, she gives Maria a cocky smile.

“Wanna head back to your place?” she asks, and it comes out more hopeful than she planned for. Regardless, Maria takes her hand. She leads her out of the bathroom, out of the bar, and she doesn’t let go until they get to her door.)

When she gets ~~home~~  back to Maria’s house, though, she finds herself unable to take the last steps up to the porch. Yes, Maria’s already seen her semi-reincarnated after she left Kree, but that was her showing up as Vers looking for answers; now she’s showing up as Carol, and she’s really not sure that’s good enough.

 

Fact: Carol spent six years complicit in the killing of worlds.

 

She wanted to join the Air Force to protect people. Maria wanted to join the Air Force to protect people. The US Armed Forces maybe don’t always go about that in the correct way, but at the core, that’s what ~~they all~~  most of them want.

Maria kept her promise, and Carol got herself and their mentor blown up, then proceeded to train to kill a race of people looking for refuge. No matter how she looks at it, there’s no way to amend for that kind of mistake.

 

Fact: Carol has made a fuck ton of mistakes in her life.

 

Still, that’s definitely the worst. Second place has got to be something to do with Maria. Something to do with letting Maria slip through her fingers time and time again. Something to do with the years she brushed off Maria’s own feelings because she thought she was destined to a lifetime of swallowing whiskey and coke around a mouthful of unrequited love. Something to do with the fact that, right now, Carol has been standing on Maria’s front steps for almost fifteen minutes as the chorus of spring peepers swells around her.

She knocks on the door.

She waits. She’s changed out of her suit, and she’s starting to rethink showing up here as this hybrid of herself. It’s clear she came straight from space, but she’s wearing her civilian clothes. She’s not as simple as she used to be.

She thinks about turning around and running— _fl_ _ying_ —away, but she’s never fancied herself much of a coward.

The door swings in to reveal Maria, wiping the backs of her hands against the thighs of her jeans. She meets Carol’s eyes. Her hands freeze. It’s a tense few seconds. Not bad, but tense.

“How was space?” Maria finally asks, opening the door wider and moving back so Carol can step inside.

“Same old,” Carol says, following Maria through the dining room and into the kitchen. Maria snorts at that, motioning to the small table by the windows.

“You can sit. Coffee?” she asks, despite the slowly darkening sky. Carol knows she’s just asking so she’ll have something to occupy her hands with, but she nods anyway.

“Thanks.”

Carol doesn’t know what to say, and if Maria does, she doesn’t share. Carol watches the sun start setting through the window as Maria boils water, grinds coffee beans.

 

Fact: It shouldn’t be this awkward.

 

“Wasn’t sure you’d be back,” Maria says, forced-casual, as she stirs milk into Carol’s coffee.

 

Fact: It should, actually, be this awkward.

 

Carol feels something pop, somewhere below her sternum, at the lack of malice in Maria’s statement, Maria’s steady gaze on the two coffee mugs in front of her, her tightened shoulders. She looks ready to run from her own home. Carol feels hollow.

Still, Carol manages a crooked smile. “Well, what kind of aunt would I be then?” She emphasizes the word—aunt—a little strangely, wanting to see if Maria will bite, if Maria has realized that Carol knows the lie. Something flickers in Maria’s eyes as she brings over the coffee, taking the seat across from Carol.

“Monica’s at a friend’s tonight. She’ll be devastated when she realizes she missed a whole night with you,” Maria says, seeming to relax, slightly, into something. Her smile, though small, seems genuine, too.

“Hopefully I can make up for that.” Even to Carol’s ears, it sounds empty. “With a lot more nights with her. With both of you,” Carol tells her coffee cup. She can feel Maria looking at her, even though she can’t see her. She can always feel Maria, even when she’s not there. It feels like the love songs—all of them: The Beatles, No Doubt, Nirvana, The Backstreet Boys. Maria feels like every love song—even the new shit—that Carol’s ever heard, no matter how sappy.

It’s quiet. Carol hates this. Maria takes a sip of her coffee. She’s turned toward the window, but Carol can see her studying her out of the corner of her eye.

“You remember that night at the bar?” Carol finally asks. “Pancho’s,” she adds as if it needs any explanation. As much as Carol would like to think that she’s being brave by showing up here, it’s a coward’s opening. Still, she hopes Maria will see it for what it is, even if she’s not sure what she means it be. An olive branch, maybe. A confession.

“I remember all the nights at Pancho’s,” Maria says. She’s set her shoulders in a way that brings Carol back to the same night she meant. It’s something beyond defiant, but without any malice. It’s like she’s amoring up. If this were a fistfight, Maria would have taken that round, completely knocked Carol out. That’s how she feels now, a little like a heap on the floor, a little like she’s had the wind knocked out of her.

 

Fact: As many times as she falls, Carol Danvers will always push herself back up.

 

“Yeah,” she nods, sucking in a deep breath. “I meant the night I kissed you.”

Maria almost manages to disguise her sharp intake of breath as her shoulders drop, tightening at the same time.

“I wasn’t sure you remembered all that,” Maria says, still more resigned than Carol would like.

“I don’t know how I forgot for so long, really.”

Maria sighs. Carol can’t quite read her and it’s driving her mad.

“I—” Maria starts. She drags her spoon back and forth in her half empty mug, watching it pull the coffee after it. Maria takes a deep breath. “I know you’re a different person than you were before the crash,” she says. “I know you’ve been through a lot, and a lot about you has changed. I… I just don’t want you to feel like you have an obligation to be here, with me and Monica, just because you were here before. I could never ask you to force yourself into someone you aren’t anymore just because I feel entitled to your company.” She finishes with a shrug, and Carol, once again, feels completely knocked out. Heartbroken, really.

 

Fact: When Carol Danvers fell for Maria Rambeau, she knew she’d never pull herself out of it.

 

Carol squeezes her hands together, twisting her fingers against each other, feeling the energy swell beneath her skin and relishing the grounding buzz. Good god, she’s never been much good at feelings, no matter how strongly she feels them.

“I know we never really talked about it before,” she shrugs, “what we were. But, Maria, I’ve been gone on you for years. You know that. I actually wanted— Well, I wanted to ask if you’d still have me.” Carol’s a fairly direct person in her day-to-day life, and she’s doing her best to be direct right now, but she can’t bring herself to meet Maria’s eyes, to pull her gaze above Maria’s chin. “I’d ask you to marry me if we could,” she adds, finally meeting Maria’s eyes. She looks like she might cry, but she scoffs instead.

“As if I’d ever stop wanting you. I think I’m stuck with you now, Danvers.”

“Yeah?” Carol can’t help but ask. Maria nods.

“Yeah. I—” Maria turns her head, staring out the window. “I thought about it a lot, in the years you were gone. How much it hurt for me, yeah, but also for Monica. I mean, she lost a— You’re Monica’s mom, you know, no matter what people—” Maria cuts herself off with a gasp, bringing a hand up to her mouth as she starts to cry.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she chokes out. “I, I thought you were dead, Carol, I—” It’s the first time Maria’s said her name since she showed up, and the shattered facade might actually break her heart. Carol pushes her chair back, getting up to kneel in front of Maria’s hunched figure. She puts a hand on her knee, and Maria starts to cry harder, shaking her head.

“I thought you were dead and I— No one knew, except for Lawson and she— she died too. No one knew, not even my parents, what we were, and it— I didn’t— I knew it would ruin you, even if you were dead. I couldn’t do that to you,” Maria gasps out. Everything Carol’s learned—from her father, from the Air Force, from Yon-Rogg—tells her not to cry, but she lets the tears start to fall anyway.

“Babe,” she whispers, trying to soothe without making it all worse. “I’m so sorry I didn’t know how much I missed you.” She moves into an awkward crouch to wrap Maria, still shuddering with sobs, in her arms. “I’m so sorry you had to do all this alone.”

Maria’s sobs slow until she’s just clinging onto Carol silently. Finally, Maria sighs.

“I don’t want you to apologize to me,” she says. Carol wants to cut her off, tell her that she wasn’t apologizing so much for what she did as what happened to Maria, but she fights to keep herself quiet, to let Maria continue. “I know you feel like what happened was your fault, even if you know it really wasn’t. But that’s not true. I can’t blame you for leaving me, because you didn’t mean to, and if there were lives at stake…”

 

Fact: No one will ever get Carol like Maria does.

  
“If there were lives at stake, you would fly the plane,” Carol finishes. Maria nods, still teary-eyed, but smiling softly.

“Thanks for letting me…” Maria trails off. Carol simply nods.

“You deserve someone to listen,” she shrugs. Maria lets out a breathy laugh, a crease forming between her eyes.

“Thanks, Stargirl,” she says. “So do you. And I will, later. But right now, are you gonna kiss me, or are we just going to sit here all night?” Carol does kiss her, hooking her hands under Maria’s thighs to lift her up. She feels Maria smile against her mouth, hooking her legs around Carol’s waist.

Carol could die happy right now, just like this, leaning back against the kitchen counter, Maria’s arms crossed loosely behind her neck, but, instead, she pulls away from a still smiling Maria. Maria starts laughing at something, probably the bliss on Carol’s face, and lays her head against Carol’s shoulder as Carol carries her upstairs to the bedroom.

She sets Maria down, gently, on ~~their~~   ~~Maria’s~~ their bed, stepping back. Maria’s watching her like she used to before they ever got together, back when she was still trying to figure Carol out, to learn about what made her.

“You planning to stick around for a while?” she asks, leaning back on the bed. It’s supposed to be casual, Carol can tell, but it’s a loaded question.

“Nothing could keep me away for long.” Maria smiles at her, but doesn’t say anything.

“You could still ask, you know. Just because,” Maria shrugs.

“Could ask you what?”

“To marry you.” It shocks Carol, momentarily; she forgot she brought that up at all. “I’m not serious,” she rushes to add. “Don’t worry.”

The thing is, Carol knows Maria too well, even after six empty years, for Maria to lie to her. She sees something small break behind Maria’s eyes, and it looks like all the other countless times she’s hurt her. Carol would do anything to bring those parts of Maria back to life.

 

Fact: Carol Danvers does not fight to kill, but she does fight.

 

She would do anything to bring those parts of Maria back to life, so she reaches into her jacket pocket, fingers fumbling for the ring—boxless—she’s had for quite some time now. She drops down onto one knee as Maria lurches forward on the bed, sitting straight and shocked.

“Maria, my mind is always on you. It’s just for show, for now, but will you marry me?” Maria swallows, hard, and starts to laugh again.

“You’ve always had a flair for the dramatic,” she says, but Carol can hear the sincerity in her voice. She pushes herself off the floor. “Of course I’ll marry you,” Maria says. “As soon as we can. You’re already my family.”

Carol kisses her again, maneuvering to slide the ring onto Maria’s finger at the same time. They have to break apart, in the end, to manage it, and Carol watches Maria smile like the sun.

“Now, I know it’s not the engagement you typically consummate,” Maria grins, eyes still shining, “but I remember you telling me you could stick around for a while.”

“The only thing I have to do is you,” Carol says, pulling Maria in for a kiss even as she rolls her eyes.

 

Fact: Carol Danvers was, is, and will continue to be irrevocably in love with Maria Rambeau.


End file.
